In a Field of Dandelions
Coping with Estrangement
Once again I dreamed about my estranged brother.
This time, we were sitting in a field of dandelions and he was explaining to me the healing power of the greens.
I nodded, sharing his gratitude for this natural medicinal creation that is not just a weed, but sunshine on a stem with deep roots brought to the meadow floor.
At one point, the sound of bees increased and I noticed that clumps of blooming rosemary were growing among the dandelions.
Memory, I blurted out. The fragrance of rosemary can enhance memory and concentration.
Also, the oil is anti-inflammatory. So perhaps rosemary has the power to ease the inflammation of a traumatized memory.
My brother raised his eyebrows, then raised his eyes to the sky and pointed out a circle of white smoke left by a plane.
We both recognized that circle as the Hebrew letter Samech.
What does that Samech mean to you, he asked?
For me, he continued before I could answer,
Samech is traumatic memory that repeats until the fragments of the person who caused the trauma are digested by energetic macrophages that transform the offending memory into a gas easily expelled though the mouth.
I will be at peace when I hold fear in one hand and love in the other and I know my head is cleared of any echoes that are not me. I will be at peace when my house is clean.
I breathed in the scent of rosemary and tried to listen to his words, to feel the trauma of his memory within me.
The bees were so loud, and the dandelions so yellow. His words echoed around me until they fit like a garment.
I gently removed the garment, but held onto it as I told him that
I have a different relationship with the Samech.
So I shared with my brother that Samech is the letter of the Hebrew month of Kislev, the darkest month in the calendar, but within the darkness are the lights of surviving with grace.
Samech in the repeating circle of dark to light and light to dark, of arms clasped in a hug of support, of hope and rising out of despair, rising out of the trauma as a stronger person with the faith to trust the journey.
I continued…My traumatic memory is death, the death of my relationship with you, my brother, But when I see that Samech in the sky, I feel more love than fear and I understand that death is only absolute if I am cut off from my Creator, not you. I trust my journey will bring us back to this healing field of dandelions, a place where broken fragments of our relationship can form into a new shape.
Suddenly, my brother’s bare feet sprouted roots and sank into the earth as grey sparrows flew overhead chirping a requiem for adaptation.
Where are you going, I asked, as he sunk deeper into a hole that opened up to fit his folding body.
My brother answered that he needs to be alone in his own, self-made hole until the rains fall or the thunderbolt strikes.
Until his house is clean.
SO I waited until he was ready to come out of his hole beneath the field of dandelions.
I am still dreaming, still waiting…meditating on love and fear, and getting high on the endless circle of the Samech.
I have faith in God.
And I have faith in you, my forever brother.
